he appeared in my dream and he said that i'm mary i'm mary that s my name. sister said my name is mary now and i am to be the mother of the lord
what did i ever do to deserve all this pain i said i never wanted this so i woke up
i woke up and i unbent a wire hanger and it fucking hurt and i thought if this fails and i birth a child with a wire sticking out of me i will hurt baby
wire mother loves her baby baby never loves mother
wire mother is cagey and metal and shrewd and wide eyed and the little lord will only accept a manger of cloth and not of metal
i thought oh
i dug around to get this hanger out of me and i was bleeding a bit but he stitched it up for me that dear sister of mine
i love my sister he is i love my sister i love him i love my sister
there is no use i thought there is no use wearing nice things any more baby is kicking and baby is sick and baby is sick so mother is sick and now i am sick
if baby is lord mother is lady
i am sick my sister took care of me he stitched me up all right and proper what a little angel he is my sister
it s hot and it s sweaty and i grope around inside myself and i claw at the red inflamed walls with tails and stripes i am baby now and baby yowls and baby churns immunity into microscopic teeth
who did this to me mother says what did i ever do to deserve this
of course i love baby baby is lord but baby is convulsing and twisting and retracting inside Himself
spoiled kid i say and i hit Him taking all He wants from me He can t do that but i can t hurt Him poor baby poor baby sick baby making mother sick how rotten it all is
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i laughed today when baby kicked i laughed because baby isn t supposed to kick yet
i laughed yesterday when baby forced vomit up my throat and burned my insides because how can baby be so cruel i hate baby i hate baby i hate baby i hate baby
why did he not tell me then that this would all happen after all i know my sister he believes in sympathy he believes in us he believes in truth and all that is holy and right
we are the twin towers: a psychosexual incestuous bond and a DO NOT SEPARATE sign hanging dead and rotting between us
we are the twin towers: not for resale not for piracy not for adapting copying renting lending performing broadcasting or making available on the internet
that is why they hit them both
you cannot have one without the other they fell together mechanical industrious hand in equally mechanical industrious hand they loved each other as sisters and to quote an edelweiss on its deathbed:
"we who have lived as one wish to die as one"
i love my sister he is my edelweiss he is truth and he is God and Truth says that this baby is his also
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sister said our baby is beautiful he took the ultrasound when i was passed out i didn't get to see he wanted it to be a surprise
can you at least tell me if it s a boy or a girl question mark
but sister didn t tell me
yesterday was spent hunched over the toilet like a dog retching and gagging on vomit i think i am sick i said i think i am sick because baby is sick
what did i do wrong question mark question mark
baby is sick because mother is sick or vice versa i am not completely sure myself
i do not want baby to be born addicted to the sting of heroin needles or the cool stream of alcohol down its throat i do not want baby to be born hating life and weaning on mother s poisoned bosom
baby is crawling already exclamation mark what a little lord it will be i can feel it crawling inside my skin and sometimes when i look past myself i can see exactly where it is
sometimes it is in my legs preventing me from walking to and fro. sometimes it is in my arms preventing me from strangling myself. sometimes it is in my eyes and that is the worst of all
when baby is in my eyes i can almost see him as an ultrasound his spindly legs his tendril fingers his teeth his eyes
how beautiful he is!
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sister says i shouldn't say he or him or his sister doesn't want me to get attached he says giving baby a humanity and likeness that doesn t exist gives myself unnecessary stress he says
i rushed into his room one night
baby kicked again sister i feel [him] it in my eyes it is kicking sister help sister baby kicked again sister
hahahaha he said
hahahaha i said
baby vomits mother vomits reciprocal relationship
hahahaha he said and baby opens his mouth and light pours out
sister sometimes i can see him sister i swear sister he has--- sorry he has it has long spindly fingers and his--- its tiny teeth and sister is this normal it s normal he says
oh i am so proud of the baby we have raised
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